


I Looked At You And I Fell

by GoldenSparrow



Series: At First Sight And It's Real [1]
Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: A bit of steaminess at the end of chapter 4, Benji's POV, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Sharing a Bed, no sex but it is a sexual scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:29:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenSparrow/pseuds/GoldenSparrow
Summary: Benji still remembers the first time he saw Victor, how he felt in that moment, looking at the beautiful boy.  He was standing with Felix, a boy he really only knew in passing but Benji walked up to them anyways, under the ruse of saying hi to Felix.  Really, he just wanted to be in the vicinity of the dark skinned boy, making his presence known to him.
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar
Series: At First Sight And It's Real [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840873
Comments: 24
Kudos: 176





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> So the dialogue is not going to be word for word from the show, but I hope you enjoy Benji's point of view!

The Meeting 

Benji still remembers the first time he saw Victor, how he felt in that moment, looking at the beautiful boy. He was standing with Felix, a boy he really only knew in passing but Benji walked up to them anyways, under the ruse of saying hi to Felix. Really, he just wanted to be in the vicinity of the dark skinned boy, making his presence known to him.

He feels guilty about it, he has a boyfriend after all, but he can’t help being intrigued. He’d never felt an instant attraction like this, not even with Derek, and he knew he could do nothing about it. 

Benji searches for something to say, “Cool kicks.”

“Yeah, my mom got them for me at a garage sale,” the other boy sounds excited about it, “She didn’t even know how cool they are.”

He sees Victor’s face scrunch adorably before the boy backtracks, “Not saying that my shoes are cool.”

“No, they are.” Benji reassures him, wanting to see that smile again, “Sounds like those shoes were your destiny. You know, if you believe in that kind of stuff.”

Victor’s looking at him with wide eyes, “No, I do.” That scrunchy face again, “Believe in cool kicks that is.”

Benji laughs a little and makes his exit but he spends the rest of the day thinking of the taller boy, unable to get him out of his head. There’d just been something about him, something that drew Benji forward like a magnet. His eyes had been so deep, so sincere, and so unbearably sad.

Benji knew what it looked like to have a secret, he’d seen it everyday in the mirror before he’d come out. It made him sad to see it in Victor, and he wondered what secrets the boy was hiding.

Come Right Up Folks

The carnival was loud and just as packed as the years before and it took Benji a while to find his friends in all the chaos. He was grabbing a churro, taking a break from his search when he spotted Victor a little ways off, walking with Felix. He wants to go over and say hi but he and Felix just really don’t know each other like that for Benji to be approaching him twice in one day.

He feels like it would be too obvious, finding random excuses to talk to Victor. He has a boyfriend for christ's sake, he shouldn’t even be thinking of him. But there he was, in all his glory, walking away without a care in the world to Benji’s struggle.

Benji didn’t know why he was torturing himself like this, he had Derek, he was happy with Derek. Or, mostly happy. Kind of happy. He couldn’t leave him though, he doesn’t know why but the little moments they share keep Benji coming back for more. Regardless of how he’s treated the rest of the time.

Victor was probably straight anyways. No point in pining after someone who would never even look in his direction.

His friends are congregated next to the funnel cake stand and he joins their conversation easily, distracting himself from the turmoil in his head. It mostly works. Then Benji sees Victor walking towards him and their eyes lock.

He doesn’t stop when he reaches Benji though, just gives him a nod and passes on by. He watches the boy step up to Mia, a girl who he didn’t know personally but who he’d seen around school. The two walk off together towards the ferris wheel and Benji’s heart sinks. 

Straight. Victor was definitely straight.

Pack it Tight

Benji is drying the mugs when he hears a soft voice say, “Excuse me?”

He turns around and there he is, Victor Salazar, the boy he can’t seem to rid from his mind. He seemed to pop up everywhere and maybe the universe had some grand plan to torture Benji for the thoughts he was having.

“Oh, hey man,” Victor gives him a look he’s not sure how to decipher, “It’s Benji, from school?”

“Yeah, right, of course.” The other boy gives an awkward chuckle, “I just, um, I’m here to hand in an application?”

“Oh nice,” He snaps the paper from Victor’s hands, maybe a little too enthusiastically, “Come on back.”

He puts Victor through a working interview, something that he didn’t normally do, that’s what training was for. But maybe he just wanted an excuse for more time with Victor. He’s showing the kid how to pack in the grinds when he hears himself say something ridiculous.

“You see how tight that is?” He doesn’t mean for it to sound so provocative coming out of his mouth, but it does and he fights not to cringe.

Victor makes what Benji thinks is an uncomfortable face and Benji winces but continues his teaching. They’re onto steaming the milk, hands close to touching and he can feel Victor’s eyes on him. He doesn’t know what happens but all at once the milk goes flying.

They both flinch back and without thinking he grabs a rag and starts trying to clean the milk from Victor’s hoodie. The other boy steps back with panicked eyes and says a few words but Benji can’t focus.

Why did he do that? Why did he touch him like that. Victor knew he was gay, what if he scared him off by getting so far into his personal space. Benji hadn’t meant to break any boundaries, it had just been a reflex.

He beats himself up for it all day and when he finally closes he’s relieved to have a moment for himself. He thinks of Derek, of all the things he loves about Derek. And he does love Derek, but he’s not in love with Derek. That’s the problem. He wishes he was, that would make this so much easier, because he wouldn’t have even looked at Victor in the first place.

He knows he should leave Derek, that his thoughts are nearly as bad as cheating. But maybe he’s scared, scared to be alone again, scared to be the boy that gets drunk and slams his car into a building. He doesn’t want to be that person anymore. Hell, he’d worked hard not to be that person anymore.

He couldn’t let anything jeopardize that.

He sits in Sarah’s office and looks at the stack of applications, rifling through with no real purpose. He already knows who he’s going to hire. Maybe it was an abuse of power but couldn’t bring himself to care.

He grabs Victor’s application, putting the rest into the garbage and walks out onto the floor. He dials the number on the paper and the phone rings twice before the boy picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Victor, it’s me Benji.” He takes a breath and then lies out of his ass, “I know your interview didn’t go the greatest but since none of the rich ass kids at school need a job...it’s yours if you want it.”

There’s silence for a moment before, “Yeah, yeah I do.”

Benji’s face splits into a grin without his say-so and for the rest of the night he’s floating on air.

Don’t Ask Me I’ll Never Tell

Working with Victor was even better than he could hope, the kid was a fast learner and a hard worker. He was also a good friend, once they got to know each other. The more they talked the more Benji knew why he was so drawn to him.

He was so kind, he cared so much for other people, possibly more than himself. And he always put everything he had into whatever he was doing. He was a great listener, would let Benji rant to him about Derek or Sarah or his dad and he always knew the right thing to say.

He never made fun of anything that Benji enjoyed, unlike Derek, and always seemed interested. Benji loved listening to Victor talk too, loved hearing all of the boy’s thoughts and dreams.

Victor loved basketball and pancakes and he didn’t know what he wanted to do after highschool but he loved biology. He got nervous at parties because he didn’t know how to act and grew up in a super religious household. 

Benji liked everything about him.

As they clean the shop they talk about stupid things.

“God, you know, easy listening is not so easy after a few hours.” Victor laments.

“I know, if you have your phone I could hook it up to the speaker?” Benji offers.

“Uh, yeah sure.” 

He hands his phone over and Benji opens up to spotify scrolling through Victor’s songs. There’s some pop in there, a lot of spanish music, and even more stuff that Benji’s never heard of. One in particular stands out, though.

“Baby Shark is your most listened to song?” He laughs through the sentence.

“Hey! I play it for my little brother.” He makes his scrunch face, looks away and then back, “And...I may also find its predictability soothing.”

They both laugh and then Benji finds another song that shocks him. He queues it up and presses play. The music starts and Benji makes a silly little dance move.

“Don’t laugh, this used to be my jam,” Says Victor, “I made up a dance and everything.”

“A dance? Oh man, I’ve gotta see this.”

Victor’s eyes widen and he says, “Oh, no. No.”

“Come on, please,” He does another dance, looking at Victor the whole time, “Was it something like that?”

“Uh, there was more spinning and…” the boy looks embarrassed, “rump shaking.”

They end up dancing together ridiculously, bumping each other with every movement and Benji can’t remember the last time he was this happy. Everytime Victor’s body touched his Benji felt like he would burn up on the inside. He wanted more, more of this, always.

Too bad he couldn’t ever have him.

I Threw My Wish In the Well

Victor had told him that he and Mia were doing something else for their date, but secretly Benji hoped that he would show up. Ideally without Mia, but Benji would take what he could get.

Derek complains the entire time before they’re up and Benji only half listens. Derek’s always complaining, usually about straight people. When Derek kisses him though, he kisses back. He doesn’t know why.

Their song goes well and Benji thinks they have a pretty good shot at winning. The next song they have prepared is one that Benji begged them to learn just for this occasion. Everytime he sang it he thought of dark skin and kind eyes.

They win, and at the risk of sounding cocky, Benji kind of knew they would. It’s not that his band was great, they were good, sure, but the other performers had just been so very bad. He felt a little nervous hopping back on the stage, about to sing a song that meant something only to him and one other person.

A person who he hopes is there but isn’t really holding his breath for. Which is why it’s such a pleasant surprise when he takes his place center stage and sees Victor standing at the back of the crowd. Mia is there too but even she can’t dampen Benji’s happiness at seeing the taller boy.

The song starts and just before he begins to sing he locks eyes with Victor from across the room. The words flow out of him like a confession and it’s like the world narrows until it’s just him and Victor, the only two people on Earth.

He hopes that Victor knows the song is for him.


	2. Two

Sixteen Candles

“Hey, Benji!” Lake calls to him from across the room where he can see her sitting with Mia, Felix, and Victor.

Mia and Victor are holding hands and Benji isn’t entirely sure he actually wants to go over but he does anyway. Victor looks nervous when he steps up to their table and Benji can’t remember the last time that look was directed at him. They’d been so comfortable with each other lately.

“So, Victor’s having a birthday party but the ratio of hot people to old people is tragic, wanna go?” She talks brightly and he thinks she may have just called him hot but he’s not entirely sure.

He looks over to Victor, not wanting to accept Lake’s invitation if Victor didn’t actually want him there. The other boy looked mildly panicked.

“I mean,” Victor’s voice is a little louder than usual, “Only if you want to.”

He does, he really does want to, he always wants to spend time with Victor, “Sure.” And then somehow he finds himself saying, “I’ll bring Derek too, if that’s alright.”

“Yeah sure, I love Derek.” Victor puts a heavy emphasis on ‘love’ and Benji thinks he might be overcompensating for something. Did he not like Derek?

Benji found that the thought didn’t really bother him. So what if Victor didn’t like Derek, most people didn’t like Derek. He felt rude now though, having invited him to Victor’s party, but Benji knew that he couldn’t go by himself.

He wanted to be there to support and celebrate Victor, but the thought of walking into the boys home without a buffer there to make things seem less...intense, was mildly terrifying. At least this way he would have Derek to distract him from his thoughts, and to keep Benji from making a fool of himself.

He spends the rest of his shift sneaking glances at Victor and trying to plan the perfect gift. He knew that people didn’t always do gifts anymore at their age, but Benji wasn’t that type of person. He believed in showing your affections, not just telling. Actions spoke louder than words and all that.

It’s not until he’s sitting on his couch, sketchpad in hand that he realizes what he wants to give Victor. It may be cheesy but he was willing to go out on a limb for this. Victor deserved the whole world, and since Benji couldn’t afford the world, he figured he could capture a small part of it. 

Victor always seemed to duck his head when people focused too long on him, but Benji had spent enough time with the boy, had committed him to memory so many times, that he had no problem putting pencil to paper and drawing.

He started with the eyes, then the nose, then the mouth, until suddenly Victor was there on his paper. It wasn’t perfect but maybe it was enough. He hoped it was enough. 

He sleeps fitfully that night and wakes up sweaty and anxious. He can’t remember his dream but the feeling of it sticks with him all day, leaving him fidgety until Derek comes to pick him up.

Oh god, he was going to be in Victor’s house, in his personal space. It shouldn’t affect him the way it did and he felt shame at feeling this way when Derek was sitting there next to him. He tried to shut down the thoughts but they just kept coming.

“What’s in the box?” Derek looked at the little gift box with disdain. He didn’t believe in presents.

“Just a little something for Victor.” He keeps it as vague as possible hoping Derek won’t ask to see.

He doesn’t.

Derek insists that Benji go ahead of him to Victor’s while he finds parking and Benji isn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. It takes him a second to work up the courage to knock but when he does it’s Victor who opens the door.

“Benji, hey.” He looks happy to see him and Benji’s heart swoops without his permission.

“Hi, happy birthday Victor.” He holds out the present for the other boy to take and finds himself hoping that Victor won’t open it right here and now. He couldn’t handle a negative reaction. It would break something inside him.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.” But Victor looks happily at the little gold box, obviously pleased. Benji’s heart swoops again.

Then Derek is walking through the door, destroying any moment that they might have been having and Benji finds himself getting irrationally mad. He had no right to feel that way, he’d been the one to invite Derek after all. Derek. His boyfriend.

When Victor introduces them to his grandfather as bandmates his mind whirls. Was Victor embarrassed of them? Was he secretly homophobic? No, he couldn’t be, Benji would know, they spent enough time together that he would know.

Wouldn’t he?

And then Victor explains, “I’m sorry, it’s just- my family is going through a really hard time right now, and if my grandpa makes a scene...well, I don’t think we could handle it.”

Benji remembers Victor telling him about his family, about his parents and how their relationship consisted of stony silences and screaming matches. How he was worried they were going to get divorced soon. He understood, but he didn’t have to like it.

“Whatever.”

Victor’s face falls and Benji instantly regrets his words, but he doesn’t take them back. Him and Derek walk into the other room and grab some drinks and snacks. They’re munching quietly, Derek fuming next to him, when Victor’s grandfather walks over and starts talking to them, oblivious to the uncomfortable atmosphere.

“So, being in a band, you guys must get all the ladies.”

Benji can see the gears turning in Derek’s head before he says, “Well, actually we’re-”

“Too busy to date,” Benji cuts him off, “Between school and work, who has the time.”

He can’t believe that Derek was about to tell this man they were gay, knowing he was a homophobe. Telling him wouldn’t make them feel better, it would only lead to a fight. The fight that Victor and his family wouldn’t survive. 

He was upset with the situation too, but he wouldn’t intentionally ruin Victor’s birthday just to come out to an angry old man. He cared too much about the boy, even now.

When the man walks away so does Derek and then he sees Victor standing there looking at him with sad eyes.

“Thank you, you really didn’t have to do that.”

And Victor sounds really sad but Benji just can’t handle him right now. He has too many emotions coursing through him and he dioesn’t want to say something that he will regret later. He was mad at Victor now, but he knew once he stepped back from the situation he’d understand.

Derek pulls him aside a little later and Benji pulls him deeper down the hallway so that no one hears them.

“I don’t want to be here anymore if I have to pretend to be straight.”

Benji cringes, he’d kind of known this was coming, “I know, and I’m sorry, but Victor really is going through a hard time right now. Listen, it’s a shitty situation but he’s my friend and I want to be here for him.”

“Look, it just made me really uncomfortable.”

“I know.” It had made him uncomfortable too, “I’m sorry, okay?”

Derek looks at him for a second, “Okay.”

He kisses Benji and all Benji can think is that this is the last thing he wants to be doing. And definitely not in Victor’s house. It felt disrespectful. 

“We can leave if you really want to.” He doesn’t want to fight, doesn’t want to have to hear later about how selfish he was and how he never does anything for Derek (he does everything for Derek) but he hopes Derek will let them stay.

“Yeah, let’s leave.”

Benji’s heart sinks but he nods, “Let me just go tell-”

He can hear Victor yelling from the living room suddenly, and they move to the kitchen where the others are to see what’s happening. He can’t see Victor from this angle but he can hear his voice.

“-I’m not going to tell them not to be who they are if that bothers you. That’s your problem, not theirs and not mine.” He takes a deep audible breath, as if the words had exhausted him.

Benji can’t believe what he’s hearing, Victor was standing up for them, defending them even though he knows how his family will react. He knew that Victor was a good person, knew it in his heart of hearts. And now he was getting proof.

Derek still doesn’t want to stay though.

Benji heads over to say good-bye to Victor, “Derek turns into a pumpkin if he’s not watching reality tv by ten.”

He knows it sounds lame as far as excuses go but Victor just gives him a little smile.

“I-I’m sorry, Benji.”

“Coming out was really hard for me, Victor.” His mind flashes back to all those late nights on his carpet, drunk and self-loathing, “And it’s still hard for me to be who I am.”

“I know,” says Victor with that private smile Benji realized somewhere along the way that was only for him, “And for the record, I think who you are is pretty amazing.”

God, everytime he thought he might be able to shut down his feelings for Victor the boy would go and say something like that. Benji thought he was pretty amazing too.

“I hope you like my present.” And he really does, he hopes that Victor realizes he put in the work just for him, only for him.

Victor’s mom calls for cake and they say good-bye but Benji can’t bring himself to leave just yet. He stands in the back of the room, by the door and when Derek impatiently asks to go again he pleads for just one more minute.

“Victor, make a wish!” A little voice calls, and he assumes that’s Adrian.

He watches Victor lean down to the cake and just before he blows out the candles his eyes flicker up and make contact with Benji. Victor holds his stare for a minute and Benji feels warm all over. 

He breaks their eye contact to blow out the candles and the spell is broken.

Not Ready and Not Willing

“I think Mia wants to take it to the next level,” Victor looks scared shitless, “And I’m, you know-”

“Oh, you’re a virgin.” Benji lowers his voice, stepping closer to Victor so they won’t be overheard. “Listen, don’t freak out about it, if I can have sex with girls, anyone can.”

Victor’s eyes practically bug out of his head, “You- but I thought you were…”

“Gay?” Benji finishes for him, “I am. But there was a time before I came out where I was denying it and trying to change myself.”

“Oh.” Victor looks sad now and Benji hates that he put that look there.

“Don’t worry though, you’ve got this.”

Victor doesn’t look particularly reassured and Benji wishes he knew the right thing to say. It killed him that Victor was preparing to have sex with someone else, but they were friends, and friends were happy for each other when they reached milestones. He could be happy for Victor.

He tries to keep Victor occupied throughout their shift, telling him ridiculous jokes and random facts, sometimes also ridiculous.

“Did you know that wombats poop in squares?”

But nothing he did seemed to soothe Victor’s nerves. He keeps trying until they go their separate ways after their shift and once he’s on his own he has time to think about his own problems. Mainly his date with Derek.

He wants to do something big, to show his affection. Overcompensating perhaps, for an affection that he’s not sure he holds anymore. But maybe a romantic night was just what they needed. He knew that Derek wanted to go watch his friends band but he hoped his boyfriend would be happy to spend some alone time with Benji.

The rest of the week passes slowly, allowing Benji to think and rethink and overthink his date on Friday. And maybe Victor’s too. He needed to put that out of his mind though, this night is about him and Derek, nobody else.

Friday comes and Benji is just about to leave school when he sees Victor bent down at his locker. He walks up behind the other boy and clears his throat.

“Hey.” He gives a short wave when Victor looks up at him.

“Hey, man.” Victor stands and pats Benji’s arm, unaware of how it affects him, “All ready for your date?”

“I’ve got everything ready, just have to wait until the shop closes and I can set up.”

“That’s awesome, I’m excited for you.” And he does sound genuinely happy.

“I’m really nervous, I hope he’ll like it.”

“Of course he’ll like it, he’s your boyfriend. And he’ll appreciate all of the effort that you went through in order to set it up and create a wonderful night for him.”

“I’m sure you’re right.” But even to his own ears he didn’t sound confident about it.

“Benji, there’s no point in worrying now it’ll just stress you out when you should be excited. Focus on that instead, you know? That’s what I’m trying to do for tonight.”

Right. Victor’s date with Mia tonight, he’d almost managed to forget about it. Almost. The thought of what Victor was planning on doing tonight (sex with someone who wasn’t Benji) only added to his dour mood. He put on a smile though and tried to reassure Victor as the boy had done for him.

“Mia is like, totally enamoured with you dude. And just keep in mind that the first time is never perfect, anything worth doing requires practice, but as long as you relax and focus on how much you like her, it’ll be amazing.” 

“Yeah,” he got a faraway look in his eyes and said quietly, “Focus on how much I like her.”

He honestly didn’t sound sure about it and the indecision in his voice livened Benji a little. He knew he shouldn’t be happy about it, but the fact that Victor sounded like he was questioning his feelings for the girl made his heart thump unevenly.

“I have to go,” Said Benji reluctantly, “You work tomorrow right?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Yeah, so we can talk then, when we see each other.” Benji held up his hand and Victor slapped their palms together quickly, leaving Benji’s hand tingling in his wake.

The date went horribly. Nothing Benji did was ever good enough for Derek, he was starting to realize that. He’d put so much effort into this date, into showing Derek that he liked him and all he’d gotten were insults and ‘what are we, straight people’, like what did that even mean.

Derek spent the entire time asking to leave early for the show and after being insulted for being a romantic, Benji told him to just go, that he would catch up with him later.

He would not be catching up with him later.

He’s just finishing cleaning up when the door pulls open and he looks up to see Victor standing in the entrance.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Benji is pleasantly surprised, and happy that he gets to see someone that accepted him for him after having to deal with being degraded by someone who was supposed to lift him up.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Victor retorts, “how did your date go?”

“It went fine.” He could tell by Victor’s face that he didn’t believe him. “How was yours?”

Victor leans back on the counter and breathes out a heavy breath, dropping his head and then looking up to Benji. He says somberly, “Not much to tell.”

Benji’s insides are doing the conga but Victor looks sad so he says, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine, I guess I just wasn’t ready.” He looks embarrassed to admit it.

“And that is totally valid, you’re allowed to not be ready, Victor. You know that, right?” It was the truth, there was no need for Victor to be embarrassed.

“I mean, I guess logically I know that, but I just feel like such a loser. Like she really wanted it and I couldn’t even do it for her.” He looked down and picked at his nails.

“Hey, Victor, look at me.” Victor did as told, “Never compromise yourself for someone else, if she tries to make you feel bad about this just remember that. You are allowed to put yourself first. Especially in situations like this.”

Victor just looked at him for a moment, his eyes digging into Benji, warm and heavy. Benji felt exposed by his stare, stripped bare and left out for all to see.

Finally, Victor settled on, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

They fell into silence after that, Victor grabbing a rag and walking over to clean the table without Benji asking. He was just kind like that, didn’t even think before helping someone else and that was exactly the reason why he felt he needed to put out for Mia when he obviously wasn’t ready.

Victor looks so forlorn while they clean that Benji says, “Hey, I was planning on working on my latte art, wanna try?”

He definitely had not been planning on doing that. Before Victor had arrived he’d been planning on going home and drowning his sorrows in mass amounts of ice cream, cliche he knows. But now, all he wanted was to get rid of that look on Victor’s face, of the slump in his shoulders. 

“Yeah, sure.” Victor says, looking a little brighter.

Benji beckoned him over and poured a cup of coffee, putting it in a large mug so it would be easier for Victor. The other boy popped up next to him and Benji smiled at him, handing him the carafe of milk.

“So, what do you want to make?”

“Hmm.” Victor drags the sound out dramatically, “How about a meatball, so ugly but so delicious.”

Benji laughed, delighted with Victor’s response, “Alright, well, the key is to start at the edge and pour towards the center.”


	3. Three

Two Can Keep A Secret

Benji had to admit that asking for Victor to join him to Willacoochie wasn’t just for his hatred of traveling with Sarah. He might have had ulterior motives, such as wanting to spend as much time as possible with Victor at any given moment. It had seemed like Victor wasn’t going to agree, but when he caved (without much prompting, Benji noticed) Benji wanted to whoop for joy. He didn’t though.

Because that would be weird.

Victor driving was a hidden bonus, because it allowed Benji time to surreptitiously observe him without the other boy noticing. Which was a totally normal thing for friends to do. It hit him though, about halfway through the drive, that him and Victor had never actually spent time together out of work and school. 

Well, there was his birthday party, but Benji didn’t count that as they had had maybe two minutes of one on one time. He still regretted bringing Derek. 

The drive is over quicker than Benji expects, but Benji knows it’s only because he’d had good company. 

“...then she makes them toast the breadbowl…”

Oh my god, Benji wanted to slam his face against the wall. This man was possibly the most boring and slowest person on the planet. Victor seemed to realize too how slow the man was because he looked worried.

“Don’t worry, he’ll have the machine fixed in no time and then we can get you back home. And if we have to cut it close then we can always head straight there.” Benji tries to ease the other boy’s anxiety.

“Not like this,” Victor gestures down to his hoodie and jeans, “Mia’s thing is super fancy.”

“Alright, well, I saw a thrift store on the way into town, we can go there and grab you an outfit just in case.” Benji offers.

Victor just looks at him for a second before saying, “Fine, but I’m not wearing anything someone died in.”

Benji laughs until they reached the car.

The thrift store is… something else. They try on ridiculous outfit after ridiculous outfit, dancing around like idiots. Benji’s having so much fun, more fun than he can remember having in a long time. He was waiting in his last ridiculous outfit when Victor stepped out of his changing room.

Benji’s mouth goes dry at the sight of him.

God he’s beautiful, all dressed up in a dapper looking suit. Victor lifts his eyebrow and gestures to the outfit as if to say ‘good enough’? Benji can only nod. His words are failing him and his entire body feels hot, and god dammit he’s only supposed to be feeling this way about Derek. The guilt that plagues him can’t outweigh his attraction to Victor, however.

For the millionth time he finds himself wishing that Victor was gay. Maybe if Victor was gay, if he was also interested in Benji, he would have an easier time accepting it. An easier time leaving Derek.

And he does want to leave Derek, but like he said before, he was scared to be alone again, scared to be lonely. What if he went back to that dark place and started drinking again, what if he really hurts someone this time. There were just too many what ifs. 

“That was Wally,” Victor says, “So, it looks like we are going to have to spend the night.”

Benji’s heart falls out of his bottom. On the one hand he was thrilled, on the other he was terrified. What if he made a fool of himself? He’s never been around Victor for so long and he loves spending time with the other boy, is happy that he’s getting even more time with him. But there go those what ifs again; running through his mind like little devils, planting seeds of worry.

Benji is quiet the whole way to the motel and he knows that Victor can tell something is up, he doesn’t say anything about it. They drive in silence and it's not uncomfortable per say, but it’s not comfortable either.

“So we only have one room left and it’s a single bed.”

Holy. Shit. This was like some bad rom-com movie, ‘and there was only one bed!’, Benji can’t believe his luck. Either the universe is torturing him or it really wants him and Victor together. It was probably the former, honestly. Hopefully there is a couch for him to sleep on.

There was no couch.

Benji is already under the covers when Victor exits the bathroom, and wow. He’s in boxer briefs and Benji can’t help letting his eyes travel down the perfection that was Victor’s legs. If there was a god, he’d worked extra hard creating this boy.

“Hey, you can take the bed, I'll just sleep on the…” Victor looks down and makes a vaguely disgusted face, “floor.”

“The floor looks pretty gross, and the bed is big enough for both of us, you should just sleep here.” He sounds braver than he feels and he’s thankful that his voice came out steady.

Victor nods and turns to put his clothes on the dresser and god, if his ass wasn’t as perfect as the rest of him. The other boy focused in on something and Benji watched as he grabbed his wallet, most definitely noticing his license.

Crap.

“I thought you didn’t have your license?”

“I, um, that was a lie. I do have my license, it’s just suspended.” 

“Why?” He doesn’t look upset, just curious.

“Before I came out, I was going through a really rough time. I knew I was gay but I didn’t want to be.” Benjilooked down at his hands, “So I drank. A lot. And one night I decided I really wanted Wendy’s. So I went to the drive through, and that’s exactly what I did. Drove through, the Wendy’s.”

“Oh my god,” Victor comes and sits on the bed next to him, tucking in his legs, “Were you okay?”

“Just a little banged up, thankfully no one else was hurt. But when I woke up in the hospital, with my parents standing over me, I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. So I came out, right then and there.”

“Wow-I, thank you for telling me.” Victor’s face was open and honest, eyes full of concern but not pity.

Benji doesn’t know why he lied in the first place, he should have known that Victor would never judge him, “No one in school really knows about the accident, so if you could…”

“I won’t tell anyone.” He looked so sincere that Benji couldn’t help but believe him.

“Thanks.” Benji looked down at his hands again then back up at Victor, saying reluctantly, “Well, I guess we should probably get to sleep.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Victor doesn’t move when Benji lays down though, and he wonders what the other boy is thinking.

Benji tried to put the thought of Victor in his underwear out of his mind and closed his eyes against the darkness of the room. His mind was almost blank when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

He turned over, leaning up on his arms, “Hey, are you-”

And then Victor was kissing him.

His lips were impossibly soft against Benji’s and when Victor opened his mouth against his, Benji followed. Their tongues touched and it was like a wake up call. He grabbed Victor by his arm and pushed him away.

“Victor, no-”

Victor’s face was a mask of sheer panic, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

And then he was up and running out of the room before Benji could stop him. The silence in the room pressed on him as he went over what had just happened in his head. Victor had kissed him. Holy shit. Never in a thousand years would Benji have expected that.

He wished he could kiss him again.

He was a lot of things, though, but he wasn’t a cheater. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say to Victor, or if he should tell Derek. Benji fell back onto the bed, grabbing at his hair in frustration.

Okay, so Victor was definitely not straight, but did he kiss Benji because he likes him, or because he knows he’s gay. Benji hoped it was the first, but in the end it didn’t really matter. They were both dating other people, so nothing could happen between them anyways.

Two hours pass before Benji realizes it and he’s still staring at the ceiling when he remembers that Victor had run out of there without even stopping to grab a room key. Benji opened the door hesitantly, grabbing his own key, and went to look for Victor. He didn’t know what he was going to say to him but hopefully he could convince him to come back to the room for the night. It wasn’t safe out here.

Benji doesn’t have to walk far before he sees Victor on the floor, slumped in a corner, dead asleep. Even in slumber the boy looks upset and Benji’s heart breaks a little. He bends down to shake the other boy awake and notices tear tracks staining his cheeks. How could Benji be mad at him when he looked so broken.

He reaches out a hand and jostles his shoulder, “Victor. Hey, Victor, wake up.”

The boy opens his eyes slowly and looks like he’s going to start crying again when he focuses in on Benji. He doesn’t say anything.

“It’s not safe to sleep out here, let’s go back to the room.” Benji puts his hand under Victor’s arm and tugs him up. 

“But-”

“It’s fine.” Benji interrupted him, and okay, maybe it wasn’t fine, but it was going to have to be for the night. “Let’s just get some sleep, you have to drive tomorrow.”

Victor looks at him for a second before nodding and following him back to the room. Benji doesn’t sleep at all that night, too conscious of Victor’s warm body next to his and the boy’s deep breathing. He wanted to lean over and wrap his arms around him and let him know that everything would be okay.

He spends the rest of the night denying that feeling.

If One Of Them Is Dead

Benji had thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. It took him three days to decide that he couldn’t work with Victor again. He’d forgiven Victor a long time ago, probably had forgiven Victor the moment it happened, but they still couldn’t work together. 

He placed the need to transfer on the fact that it was unfair to Derek to keep the kiss from him and to continue working alongside the very boy who’d kissed him. It felt like a betrayal. Deep down he also knew that he might not be able to keep himself at a safe distance if they worked side by side day after day.

He’d seen Derek the day after the whole debacle and without even saying anything Benji had pushed him up against a wall and kissed him like their lives depended on it. Derek had been quite obviously happy about it.

Benji spent the whole time feeling guilty for wishing it was Victor.

They had sex and while he had enjoyed it on a physical level, his mind had been elsewhere. Shooting a million different directions and wondering why exactly he was doing what he was doing. He wasn’t only hurting himself, he was hurting Derek and Victor too. He couldn’t stop though, couldn’t break it off with Derek. 

Maybe he was scared, or maybe he was just selfish, either way what he was doing was wrong. And he knew it. Which is why he had to transfer.

He was packing all of the stuff he’d left behind into a box when Victor walked back into the break room. Damn, he’d been hoping to get in and out before the other boy’s shift started. He tried to keep his head down but it proved impossible.

“Hey,” Victor said softly, “I didn’t realize you were working today.”

“I’m not,” Benji is aware he sounds upset, and he is, but not for the reasons Victor is thinking, “I’m just packing up my stuff, I’m transferring locations.”

“Is this because I kissed you?” He looks unbearably sad about it.

“I guess...kind of?” 

“You don’t have to switch stores, Benji.” He looked so earnest, “What happened on our trip...it won’t happen again.”

“Look, my relationship with Derek isn’t perfect,” And wasn’t that an understatement, “But I don’t want to lose him, and when you kissed me it put me in a tough spot.”

“You told him?” Victor sounded surprised and a little scared.

“No, there’s no reason too. It would just upset him.” He was already such an angry person, Benji didn’t need to give him more fodder to belittle him. “But the idea of working with you every day makes me feel ...guilty.”

“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

But didn’t he?

“I know that,” He says instead, unable to look at the other boy.

“I guess, um, I’ll see you at school?” he’d never heard Victor sound so small.

“Maybe we should just stay out of each other's way.” Maybe then Benji would finally be able to kill off these feelings he had for the dark eyed boy.

He regretted his words when he saw Victor’s face drop even further, but he didn’t take them back. This is what they needed. He was sure of it. If they just kept their distance everything would go back to normal. Benji couldn’t decide if that was really a good thing, though.

Bathroom Blues

Derek had complained the entire ride over about how dances were a heteronormative experience designed to keep the gays separate. Benji didn’t really agree, he didn’t usually ever agree with what Derek said, but he keeps quiet. It was always easier if he didn’t say anything. Derek talks at him anyways, not with him.

Benji tries to get him to dance with him once they get to the gym, but Derek refuses. He wonders for the millionth time why he’s still with Derek, but then he remembers all the what ifs. The what ifs are what keep him around.

He can feel someone looking at him and when he turns his head Victor is standing there staring at him, looking as beautiful as always. His eyes look sad, none of their usual light in them and Benji knows that he’s the reason for that unhappiness. So, when Victor turns to leave, Benji excuses himself for the bathroom and follows him.

Ironically, they do end up in the bathroom.

“Hey.” Benji says when he walks in and sees Victor standing in front of the mirror.

“Hey.”

“Look,” Benji keeps steady eye contact and hopes Victor can see how not upset at him he is, “I read your letter, and I wanted to tell you I do forgive you.”

Victor smiles, “Really?”

Benji looks down and clenches his hands in his pants pockets, “But me forgiving you doesn’t change anything, Victor. I have a boyfriend, and you kissed me, so I need to stay away from you. I’m sorry.”

Victor doesn’t say anything, just gets that sad look in his eyes again and nods, defeated. Maybe Benji should have just left it alone, maybe he only made it worse, but he hoped that his forgiveness would at least make things a little better for the other boy. He guessed only time would tell.

Tell Me How You Really Feel

“Derek, why are you being so weird tonight?” Not that Benji was one to talk.

“I’m sorry, I just feel kind of weird being at a high school dance.” He’d only graduated last year, he wasn’t even out of his teens yet.

“Well, can we at least stay, for like a couple more songs?”

Derek made a face but said, “Sure.”

Just as he was about to ask Derek to dance again, Pilar stepped in front of them. There was an odd look in her eye that Benji didn’t want to examine too closely.

“Hey, Benji, you work with Victor like everyday, right?” She smiled at him a little too brightly.

“Uh, yeah,” He says, scared of where this was going, “Pretty much, why?”

“Do you work with any girls?”

“Uh, there’s Sarah, but she’s more of an angry woman than a girl.”

“Did Sarah and Victor ever go on a work trip together?”

Crap.

“Um, no, I don’t think so.” Pilar makes a face and Benji quickly follows it up with, “We’re actually, uh, leaving soon, so we’re just gonna go dance.”

Benji grabs Derek’s hand and goes to pull him away but his boyfriend stops him, “Why are you asking him all these questions?”

“Something happened on that trip,” Pilar says angrily, “But forget it.”

She stalks away and Derek makes a face before turning to him. 

“Benji, didn’t you and Victor go on a work trip together?”

“Yeah, so?” He tries to keep his face neutral but he knows he fails.

Derek leans in, “Benji, what’s going on?”

He’d done it now. He should have known that it would come out sooner or later, that Derek would find out some way or some how. He’d hoped that he could keep it a secret forever, but he’d just been fooling himself.

“Why don’t we go talk out in the hallway.” He doesn’t wait for Derek to respond, just walks away. He can’t talk about this where others could hear, he couldn’t risk outing Victor.

“Victor kissed me.” Benji rips off the bandaid when they are far enough from the gym.

“He what?” Derek blinks, shocked, “So this is why you’ve been acting so distant?”

No, it was not, “Derek, I’m sorry.”

“You should have said something!”

Benji flinched back at the harshness of the words, “It wouldn’t have changed anything, it would have just hurt you.”

“It hurts now.” Derek whips back, “So, what, you go and make out with Victor behind my back and can’t even be honest about it. Were you guys gonna do it again?”

“Derek, it wasn’t like that.” Benji pleads. He’d gone and messed everything up.

“If it wasn’t like that then why didn’t you tell me?!”

Derek turns to go and suddenly Victor is there, “Hey, guys.”

“Save it,” Derek says, “I’m out of here.”

“Just wait!” Benji had never heard Victor raise his voice before, it was strange and Benji would like for it to never have to happen again. “It wasn’t his fault. I kissed him, and he stopped it. He stopped it and then he switched coffee shops to get away from me, because he didn’t want to mess up your guys’ relationship.”

Benji can’t believe, after everything that had happened, that Victor was still defending him. Even now, Victor was the most decent person that Benji had ever met. 

“That’s how much he cares about you, Derek.” Victor continued, “So please, don’t blame Benji for my mistake. He’s too good a guy to walk away from. He’s thoughtful, and sweet, and patient. My point is, Benji is the best, and you guys are awesome together. So please, don’t let me and my stupid kiss mess it up.”

Benji’s heart was so full and even when Derek looked back at him, he only had eyes for Victor. The stuff he was saying, did he really believe it? He had to, right? Victor had made a mistake for sure, he shouldn’t have kissed Benji, but he wasn’t a liar. He didn’t think Victor knew how to lie.

“I promise to stay out of your way,” He makes eye contact with Benji and it’s heavy, “Starting now.”

And then he’s watching Victor turn and walk away from him. His heart breaks a little at the sight and he knows suddenly, after what Victor had said, that Benji couldn’t stay with Derek. Not when he had a chance to truly be happy.

“Benji, listen, I’m sorry.” Derek sighed, “I was just surprised when you told me, and upset at having to hear it the way I did. I don’t want this relationship to end.”

“Derek.”

“Yeah?”

“What’s my favorite color.”

Derek gives him a funny look and says, “Um, red?”

“It’s yellow.” They’d been dating a year and Derek didn’t even know his favorite color, “I want to break up.”

The words come out of his mouth before he even realizes what he’s saying, but he doesn’t take them back. Victor’s honesty and sincerity had inspired him and he didn’t want to live a lie anymore. He couldn’t.

“Benji, you’re breaking up with me for him?” Derek sounds angry again.

“No.” Benji says truthfully, “I’m breaking up with you for me. I want to be happy Derek, and we’re not happy anymore. I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation where you weren’t complaining.”

“Benji, I-”

“You don’t have to stay, I know you wanted to leave anyways,” Benji cuts him off, not wanting to have to argue, “I’ll find a ride home.”

He leaves it at that and walks away to find Victor. He didn’t break up with Derek for Victor, but that didn’t mean he doesn’t want him. Want him in any way he could have him. He just hoped he hadn’t already screwed up too bad.


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets a little sexual, no actual sex but just a warning for anyone if they want to skip the After section.

Kiss Me Quick

Victor is sitting on a bench outside the school when Benji finds him, hunched in on himself.

“Hey.” Victor looks up at him, surprised and wary.

“Hey.” He says back.

Benji sits down next to Victor and searches for the words to say, he settles on, “We broke up.”

Victor had been looking down at his hands again and at that he snaps his head up, looking at Benji with wide eyes. Benji knows he’s going to apologize before he does.

“Benji, I am so sorry. I, I never meant for any of this.”

“No.” Benji says, turning his body to fully face the other boy. “I broke up with him.”

The confusion is visible in Victor’s face, “Why?”

“Somethings been off with us for a while. He makes me feel bad a lot of the time. About the stuff I like to do, about being a romantic.” Victor’s eyes are searching his, “I want to be with someone who doesn’t make me feel anxious all the time, you know? Someone who makes me feel like I can just be myself, and that’s enough. That’s how you make me feel, Victor.”

Victor gives a joyous little laugh and Benji can’t help but smile. God, he was so gone on his boy. It was a weird sensation, not having to fight his feelings anymore. Weird, but definitely good.

“That’s how you make me feel, too.” Victor’s voice is quiet, as if he might break the spell if he talks too loud, but he sounds happy. 

They lock eyes and their gaze is heated and they are so still for a moment before it all breaks and they are kissing each other like it’s their first and last time. He’s got his hand in Victor’s hair, and Victor is pulling him forward by his face, and it’s all just perfect.

Benji’s lips are tingling, hell his whole body is tingling. This time, when their tongues brush Benji doesn’t pull away. In fact, he moves in closer, wanting more of this. Wanting more of Victor.

They pull away all too soon and Victor says, “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Benji agrees happily, he feels like he’s floating on air. Then something occurs to him, “What about Mia?”

“I’m going to tell her tomorrow, I-I promise.” Benji knows he’s telling the truth.

“Victor, I want this as much as you do, but I’ve been out for a while now, and you...have you even said the words out loud yet?” God Benji, shut up. It’s like he’s trying to ruin it, like he’s trying to push Victor away when all he wants is for him to come closer, “I’m gay?”

Victor looks down and then back up at Benji with a steely resolve, “I’m going to. I am. I’m ready.”

“Okay, I believe you.”

And then they’re kissing again and it’s beautiful. Everything about Victor is beautiful. Benji could spend forever doing this, kissing this boy, running his fingers through his hair and down his back. Pulling him in closer until their chests touch. Once again, they pull away far too soon.

“I should get back in there.” Victor says, and Benji nods, “Um, I’ll call you tomorrow?”

Benji nods and when Victor runs a hand through his hair he wants to cry with how happy he is. He sits on the bench until Victor goes inside, and then a little longer, mulling over what had just happened with a smile on his face.

For once everything seemed to be going right.

After

Three months later and Benji still thinks that Victor is the best decision he’s ever made. He couldn’t be happier than with this boy at his side. This boy who was so earnest and sincere and honest with everything he did. This boy who was also a romantic and liked to surprise Benji with thoughtful dates and words.

Benji knows his feelings for Victor are serious because he’d never waited this long to sleep with someone, and it wasn’t bothering him in the slightest. He’d wait forever if Victor needed to, and he’d planned on it.

Which is why it’s so surprising when they’re in Benji’s room ‘watching’ a movie and things start to get hot and heavy. Hotter and heavier than they’d ever gotten before. Benji wasn’t complaining. He was unsure of how to act though, where his mouth and hands were allowed to roam.

Victor slides a hand up under Benji’s t-shirt and his fingers burn like a brand, “Is this okay?” he asks.

“Totally okay.” Benji’s voice comes out high and breathy and he would be embarrassed but this was Victor.

Victor’s tongue is in his mouth, hot and slick and his hands are flush against Benji’s back and Benji thinks he might have died and gone to heaven. He might have thought he was dreaming if he wasn’t having such visceral reactions.

Victor’s mouth leaves his own, nipping at Benji’s bottom lip before he’s leaning down to lick a stripe up his neck.

“Oh my god.” Benji can’t believe he’d just said that out loud.

He can feel Victor smile into the curve of his neck before he latches on with his teeth, giving a light suck. Victor’s hands are roaming over to his chest and Benji lets out a strangled noise. He pulls back at the noise and Benji makes a sad sound deep in his throat. Chuckling, Victor lets his hands drop until they are resting at Benji’s hips, a neutral spot. 

“You can touch me back, you know.” Victor’s face flushes a little with the words and Benji wonders how far down it goes, “I know I said I wasn’t ready before, but maybe...I am now?”

“Is that a question or a statement?” Benji asks, needing to make absolutely sure before they continue anything, “I just don’t want to do something you’re not down for.”

“I’m down for it all.” Victor’s eyes are dark with desire and Benji swallows roughly.

“All.” His throat bobs up and down uselessly, “Cool. That’s really cool.”

Victor laughs at his fumbling, “I mean, we can keep talking about this if you want. Or we can get back to what we were doing.”

Benji gets his head back on his shoulders quick enough and surges in for a rough kiss, this time allowing himself to push his own hands underneath Victor’s shirt. He’d never seen Victor without a t-shirt on before and he was pleasantly surprised to feel all the muscle that lay under.

“Can I take this off?” Pulling at the bottom of Victor’s shirt he raises a questioning eyebrow.

In lieu of answering Victor grabs at the hem and pulls the shirt up and over his head, dropping it off the side of the bed. Wow. Just wow. His boyfriend was quite possibly the most beautiful boy on the planet. Victor looked shy at being bared but when Benji ran a hand from his neck to his hips, his eyes closed and he let out a soft moan.

“You’re so beautiful.” Benji says, leaning down to place a kiss on Victor’s chest. And then lower and lower and lower until his lips were pressing down just above his boyfriend’s waistband. He teased a finger underneath, pleased when the muscle quivered and the other boy let out a louder moan this time.

“Come back up here.” Victor made grabby hands until Benji leaned up to kiss him again.

When their bodies came together and they were flush chest to toe they both groaned into each other’s mouths. He traveled a hand down between them until his fingers pressed into the button of Victor’s jeans.

“Can I?” He sits up slightly, to see Victor’s reaction.

“Yeah.” The other boy nods emphatically, “Yeah. Yours too.”

Benji undid Victor’s pants and dragged them off, standing up to do the same himself. When they were both divested of their pants Benji just stood there for a second, taking in his boyfriend and all his glory. Boyfriend. God, he loved calling him that.

Victor was in those same style boxer briefs as he had worn in the motel, and he looked just as good now as he did then. The sheets were stark white and Victor’s skin glowed like gold against them, flawless. He wondered what he would have to do to keep him there forever.

“Come back.” Victor pouted at him and he couldn’t help but smile.

He lowered himself down over his boyfriend slowly, his body igniting everywhere their skin touched. And there was so much skin. Even their underwear couldn’t do much to hide what was underneath. Both of them had extremely obvious erections and when they brushed against each other they both groaned loudly, leaning their foreheads against one another.

“Jesus Christ.”

“My name is, Victor, actually.”

There’s a moment of silence until they both dissolve into giggles.

“Does it always feel like this?” Victor questions.

“No.”

Benji grinds down and watches in awe as Victor throws his head back, taking in the long lines of his neck. He’s just latching on with his teeth when his door bangs open.

“Benji do you-”

“Dad!” Benji reaches over and pulls the covers over them, trying to shield Victor as much as possible.

His dad backs up quickly, pulling the door shut behind him but instead of leaving he bangs a hand on the door, “Living Room. Five minutes. And you’d better be dressed!”

Benji hears his dad’s footsteps recede and rolls off of Victor, groaning with embarrassment, “Victor, I am so sorry, I swear I didn’t know he was home.”

He looks over at his boyfriend, expecting to see a look of horror on his face. Instead, he sees Victor struggling to hold back laughter, eyes bright. It only takes a second of looking at him for him to explode into loud guffaws of laughter, Victor joining in.

“Oh my God.” Victor says between laughs, “That was so embarrassing.”

“You’re embarrassed?” Benji wipes tears from his eyes, “That’s my Dad. I have to see him everyday.”

“Yeah, okay, you have it worse.” Victor boops him on the nose, “That was really great though, while it lasted.”

“It really, really was.” 

Victor grins at him wickedly and Benji’s legs turn to jelly, “I can’t wait to do it again.”


End file.
